We need your funny or dirty jokes!
Posted on: July 28, 2008Hey guys, Have any badass jokes to share with us? Feel free to email me and I'll list them ASAP!
I'd like to list a couple a week like we used to :-) They can be clean or as dirty as you want!
The Drunk Man
Posted on: May 20, 2008One day a very, very drunk man got on a bus and fell into a seat next to a
priest. The priest looked at the drunk and found that his face was covered in
lipstick and he had a half bottle of whisky sticking out of his pocket.
Suddenly the drunk turned to the priest and said, "Father, do you have any idea
what causes arthritis?"
"Yes," the priest replied, "It is caused by loose living, wicked women and too
much alcohol!"
"Well I'll be damned," said the drunk in surprise.
The bus carried on it's journey and the priest, feeling a little guilty, nudged
the drunk in the shoulder and apologised to him.
"I'm very sorry," said the priest, "I didn't mean to come on all strong. Tell
me, how long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I haven't," replied the drunk, "I was just reading here that the Pope is!"
Mondays Joke And you thought you were having a bad day?
Posted on: May 19, 2008While walking through a forest, a man found another man hugging a tree with
his ear against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the fuck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "Would you like
to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the
tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other
guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed his neck and
said....
"This just isn't gonna be your day......"
Mowing & Beer
Posted on: May 10, 2008On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung!' I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied, 'I am. That's why she cuts the grass.'
Send in Those Sex Stories!
Posted on: April 21, 2008Hey guys, what's up?
It's that time again..I NEED those Hot Horny SEXY SEX STORIES of yours!
I want to update more often but havent had anyone send in for a couple months! :-(
Sending in is as easy as firing off an email.. Shoot me an email with your horny stories!
bizzy [at] free-sex [dot] com
The Farmer
Posted on: December 17, 2007One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.
The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
Thursdays Joke
Posted on: December 17, 2007George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public speaking in Florida.
After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns to Laura and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of the airplane and make a person happy?"
Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of the airplane and make two people happy?"
George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know what I''''ll do! I''''ll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and make five people happy!"
The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why don''''t you both jump out of the airplane and make the whole world happy?!"
Parrot Training
Posted on: December 17, 2007A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John 's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving
Cumputer Newbie Tech Calls
Posted on: December 17, 2007=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I 'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Three women discuss sex
Posted on: December 17, 2007Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.
The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''